


Tsunami (I'm Drowning)

by junmyeonssi



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Blood, Depression, M/M, Protective Hyungs, Sad, Self-Harm, Sobbing, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-18
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-08-25 07:31:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16656865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junmyeonssi/pseuds/junmyeonssi
Summary: Sehun is resigned to not being good enoughNothing can change his mindAlternatively, Sehun is a sensitive, precious maknae who should be protected very carefully





	Tsunami (I'm Drowning)

**Author's Note:**

> So this is very TRIGGERING  
> Read the tags first. I create too much angst but like I love angst haha  
> find me on quotev if you can and yell at me because why not  
> anyways enjoy?

Sehun didn't know when it first started. It was a slow progression, one that Sehun hadn't realized until it was too late and he had slipped and he was more broken. Originally, he had taken the blade to his skin because it provided relief. Odd for the maknae, right? After all he had his hyungs who often took his burdens and sheltered him from hatred, but that didn't mean that things didn't slip through their shields. Sehun heard the words, whispered and shushed every time he appeared, but it was too late. He knew exactly what they thought, that he was a spoiled, bratty maknae who needed to learn his place, how he was insufficient and another trainee who was more talented should've had his place, because what was the use of a visual when the entire group was visuals? Sehun had no answer, but he resolved to work on his rapping and singing and dancing, hoping to make himself worthy.   
But sometimes stress got to be too much and he would hide away in the bathroom, digging out his blade and he'd cut himself, cut until there was blood leaking steadily out of various slashes across his thighs. Some visual, right? No visual should have ghastly scars that stood out. Just another thing Sehun had done wrong. This is where it had grown to be too much for Sehun. He knew that there was something wrong, that he never had felt like this, the hateful, negative thoughts about himself swirled around in his head, taking over his mind and ingraining themselves in Sehun's mind. And sometimes, when it got to be too much and he needed his way out but he couldn't escape to the bathroom or even his own room to cut, he'd absentmindedly scratch at the scars on his thighs. Maybe he thought none of the members would notice, and maybe they didn't, not yet anyway. 

The first was Junmyeon. Of course it was, Junmyeon was always so attuned to the moods of the members. If Junmyeon hadn't noticed, Sehun would've been shocked. Junmyeon persistently tried to talk to Sehun about what was troubling him but the only result was Sehun smiling and saying he was okay. Eventually Junmyeon stopped. One down. 

Afterwards, Sehun cut himself more. Although he had finally shaken off Junmyeon, he knew that eventually it would spread and soon everybody would know. It scared him. He hadn't been doing anything wrong, he just.. stumbled slightly. He could recover by himself, he had to. Nobody else should have to deal with the broken mess he was. 

Yixing was next. His way of comfort was through hugs and cuddles. Maybe Sehun wanted to break and talk about it. About how he had let things spiral out of control until the thoughts in his head were too much and he just wants to die. But he couldn't, not to Yixing, not to the precious sometimes oblivious member who needed protection more than Sehun. So Yixing ended up yielding to Sehun's willpower and he retreated quietly. Two down. 

Sehun sobbed quietly into his pillow. He had wanted so badly to break down and tell Yixing everything. Tell him how much he was hurting. That it had worsened and sometimes it just felt like a tidal wave had crashed over him and drawn him out to the depths to drown. Sehun just wanted to give in to the warmth of Yixing. But Sehun knew there was something wrong with him, and as long as he could spare Yixing from knowing how badly Sehun had faltered, he would keep quiet. 

Minseok came third. Not surprising. Sehun guessed Junmyeon probably had told Minseok about it. That something was off about their maknae. But he wasn't truly theirs, he didn't deserve his spot. Minseok's way of helping Sehun consisted of cups of coffee brought to Sehun in the morning when Sehun was drowsy. Perhaps Minseok had the best attempt, trying to catch Sehun when he was halfway conscious and more likely to confess. But alas, it didn't work, because Sehun had figured is out and had taken to waking up as early as 4 in the morning. Minseok surrendered, figuring Sehun needed his rest. Three down. 

If Sehun had been more conscious throughout those instances, perhaps he would be worse. But as it is, he only knows that Minseok was suspicious of him and that in order to avoid questions in his half-awake state, he'd have to wake up earlier than Minseok. Sehun wished so much that he could just break. 

Jongdae was fourth. Assumably Minseok had told Jongdae because there was no way Jongdae would've noticed, too wrapped up in Minseok or a new way of annoying Junmyeon. Jongdae was different. He bluntly confronted Sehun about it. Ambushing Sehun in random places, hoping to catch Sehun off-guard. Sehun would merely smile before brushing off the question and walking away to the practice room because he needed to work on a dance move. Needed to perfect himself. In reality Sehun was staring at himself in the mirror, looking for all the spots where he had a good amount of fat and taking note of it with a promise to work on his body. Jongdae adamantly refused to give up but he did stop the incessant questions. Four down. 

This time Sehun was crying and slashing at his thighs. Jongdae had been so accusing. His looks were internally killing Sehun more than Sehun had already killed himself. All Sehun wanted was for Jongdae to give up and for those words to go away. They had been so accusatory. Just more sentences to add to his list of why he wasn't good enough. 

Fifth was Kyungsoo. Maybe Kyungsoo didn't choose to do anything, but Sehun could feel Kyungsoo's eyes watching his every move. Sehun tried to avoid Kyungsoo. He disliked the feeling of doing something wrong and that it felt like Kyungsoo knew it all. Like Jongdae, Kyungsoo didn't stop, and Sehun tried to not let the stares affect him. Fifth down? 

Sehun was hurting, hurting so badly. He just wanted to give in to those stares from Kyungsoo, to admit defeat and reveal everything. Reveal his flaws and errors and let the entire group judge him and abandon him. It might be quicker, less painful that way but Sehun can't let go. Not when he cares so much for the group, he loves them too much. He knows he's hurting himself by staying but what he doesn't know is how much the members hurt for him. 

Chanyeol was six. The loud, overeager rapper had done nothing. He just told Sehun he knew something was wrong and that if Sehun ever wanted to talk he was always there. So Chanyeol was the easiest. Six down. 

Well perhaps not, Sehun had wanted to go to Chanyeol to talk. To let out all his sadness and tiredness. But he couldn't, not when he knew Chanyeol suffered as well. Maybe not exactly like Sehun, but close enough. Because Chanyeol was expected to be the happy one, the happy virus of EXO. And he could never show his sadder side. Sehun felt sad for Chanyeol. But he knew better than to try to talk about anything with him. Besides, Chanyeol had Baekhyun, right?

Baekhyun was number seven. Just like Yixing, he was clingy. There were days Sehun appreciated and loved Baekhyun's clinginess but some days he just needed his blade and to break down silently in the bathroom. Perhaps Baekhyun could sense this, that Sehun was crying out internally for something. Maybe Baekhyun wanted to be that something and had decided to cling to Sehun until he broke. Unfortunately for Baekhyun, it didn't work. Sehun waited for the night, when everybody separated and went to their own rooms, before he took his razor blade and slid it in a precise, straight line horizontally on his thigh. Baekhyun tried to no avail for the next three weeks. Seven down. 

So Baekhyun's method hurt, Sehun needed the physical contact so badly. But he also wanted the validation. That he was good enough for EXO, that he didn't need to do more, that he was perfect as he was. Sadly, nobody had said anything like that to Sehun and finally he felt like a tsunami had crashed over him, the endless sea of hopelessness and despair had taken him into its cruel depths and Sehun was drowning. Fast, oh so fast. He swore he'd end it all that night. 

Jongin stood by, wondering, watching as various members had taken Sehun and as far as he could tell, nothing happened. Yixing and Baekhyun had clung to Sehun, Minseok had gone out of his way to make coffee for Sehun, Junmyeon and Jongdae had talked to Sehun, Chanyeol talked like once with Sehun, and Kyungsoo watched Sehun. He had also observed Sehun, and talked with Sehun. He could see that there was something else wrong with him. It hadn't been just exhaustion, Sehun had walked in to the living room where Jongin was comfortably situated and the look in Sehun's eyes was one of resignation and sadness, an overwhelming kind of sadness. It alarmed Jongin. 

Sehun wasn't worried about Jongin. Yes, he was his best friend, but honestly Jongin was too invested in his sleep and who would interrupt a sleeping Jongin? At the moment, Sehun was sitting on the floor of the tub, letting it fill up with water. Reflecting on his life, Sehun wondered if he should've written something to the group and to his family, oh well, too late now, he had come this far and enough was enough. Sehun wanted to end his life peacefully, without someone barging in. Unfortunately for him, just as he was pressing down the sharp blade on his soft skin, somebody barged in. 

Jongin had seen the look in Sehun's eyes and he had been so frightened. Apparently his fright was justified. He'd caught Sehun lying in the tub with a blade against his skin. Jongin pulled away the blade and called for the other members. He lifted Sehun out, when had Sehun gotten so light that he felt lighter than Minseok or Baekhyun? Question for a later date. Jongin held Sehun against his chest and murmured soft words of praise and various other things as Sehun broke down sobbing. 

They had all gathered around. Sehun was playing with his fingers and avoiding the eyes of the rest of the members. Eventually they had managed to talk, Sehun finally revealed how those few words that he had heard once had hurt him so badly. How he had let things spiral downwards faster than he could control, it had been too late by the time anybody had realized what was going on. So on that day, Sehun went to a therapist, Jongin accompanied him, quietly supporting Sehun. 

Would things get better? Maybe.   
Would they all stick with Sehun? Of course.   
And that was all that mattered.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading  
> Yeah I hate the title  
> comments and kudos are appreciated, please validate me lmao


End file.
